Health Reference / Children's Health / Divorce: Its Impact on Children

Divorce: Its Impact on Children

Date Posted: February 24, 2000

HELPING YOUR CHILD TO COPE WITH DIVORCE

More than I million children are affected by divorce each year. Our primary goal should be to minimize the emotional harm to these children. The main way to achieve this is to help the children to maintain a close and secure relationship with both parents. The following recommendations may be helpful.

1. Reassure your children that both parents love them. Make it clear that, although You are unhappy with each other and disagree about many things, the one subject you both completely agree on is how much you love your children. Demonstrate this love by spending time with your children. Preschoolers especially need lots of physical affection and cuddling from both parents.

2. Keep constant as many aspects of your child's world as you can. Try to keep your child in the same home or neighborhood. The fewer the changes, the better your child will cope with the stress of divorce. If this is impossible, at least try to keep your child in the same school with the same teachers, friends, and teams, even if only temporarily. Reassure your child that although your standard of living will decrease somewhat, you will continue to have the basic necessities of living (i.e., food, clothing, and shelter).

3. Reassure your child that the noncustodial parent will visit. Your child needs both parents. Young children are confused by divorce and fear that one parent may abandon them. Children need to know that they will have ongoing contact with both their father and their mother. Have a scheduled, predictable time for visiting. The custodial parent should strongly support the visiting schedule. One full day every 1 or 2 weeks is usually preferable to more frequent, brief (and rushed) visits. Try not to do too much in one day. If there is more than one child, all should spend equal time or the same time with the noncustodial parent to prevent feelings of favoritism. Your child will eagerly look forward to the visits, so the visiting parent must keep promises, be punctual, and remember birthdays and other special events. Both parents should work to make these visits pleasant. Allow your child to tell you that he had a good time during the visit with your ex-spouse.

Provide your children with the telephone number of the noncustodial parent and encourage them to call at regular intervals.

4. If the noncustodial parent becomes uninvolved, find substitutes. Ask relatives or Big Brother or Big Sister Volunteers to spend time with your son or daughter. Explain to your child, "Your Dad [or Mom] is not capable right now of being available for you. He [she] is sorting out his [her] own problems. There's not much we can do to change that." Help your child talk about disappointment and the sense of loss.

5. Help your child talk about painful feelings. At the time of separation and divorce, many children become anxious, depressed, and angry they are frequently on the brink of tears, sleep poorly, have stomachaches, or don't do as well in school. To help your children get over these painful feelings, encourage them to talk about their feelings and respond with understanding and support. A divorce discussion group at school can help children feel less isolated and ashamed.

6. Make sure that your children understand that they are not responsible for the divorce. Children often feel guilty, believing that they somehow caused the divorce. Your children need reassurance that they did not in any way cause the divorce.

7. Clarify that the divorce is final. Some children hold on to the hope that they can somehow reunite the parents, and they pretend that the separation is temporary. Making it clear to children that the divorce is final can help them mourn their loss and move on to a more realistic adjustment to the divorce,

8. Try to protect your child's positive feelings about both parents. Try to mention the good points about the other parent. Don't be overly honest about negative feelings you have toward your ex-spouse. (You need to unload these feelings with another adult, not your children.) Devaluing or discrediting the other parent in your child's presence can reduce your child's personal self esteem and create greater stress.

Don't ask your child to take sides. A child does not need to have a single loyalty to one parent. Your child should be able to love both of you, even though you don't love each other.

9. Maintain normal discipline in both households. Children need consistent child-rearing practices. Overindulgence or too much leniency by either parent can make it more difficult for the other parent to get the child to behave. Constant competition for a child's love through special privileges or gifts leads to a spoiled child.

10. Don't argue with your ex-spouse about your child in the child's presence. Children are quite upset by seeing their parents fight. Most important, avoid any arguments regarding visiting, custody, or child support in your child's presence.

11. Try to avoid custody disputes. Your child badly needs a sense of stability. Challenge custody only if tile custodial parent is causing obvious harm or repeated distress to your child. False accusations of physical or sexual abuse cause great emotional anguish for the child. If possible, don't split siblings unless they are adolescents and state a clear preference for living in it different setting.

Instructions for Pediatric Patients, 2nd Edition, 01999 by WB Saunders Company. Written by Barton D. Schmitt, MD, pediatrician and author of Your Child's Health, Bantam Books, a book for parents.